chasing pavements

I've been in a really weird place lately. i just..i don't know what to do anymore. what to feel..i just..i think I've really become numb.

last time i felt anything of importance is when i was yelling at my ex boyfriend for hooking up with my best friend behind my back for 3 months. don't get me wrong, i don't care if my best friend dates an ex, its just that, that certain ex is off limits. i don't love him, god darn no. its just that, he's an uber asshole who thinks too much of himself. and he abused me physically and emotionally (see, i don't even love him and he did that, so imagine what he would do to my weak best friend) and my best friend actually knows about everything that he did to me, so i just don't get it you know? why in the world would she entertain this asshole?argh. so i screamed at both of them, but i went light on my best friend, cause i just love her too much to hurt her, and went all out at my ex. he wasn't able to defend himself cause there's absolutely no justifying what he did.

okay, i know that wasn't that most civilized thing to do, but i was so angry and i couldn't help myself. i simply could not. so after that, my chest felt so light that i just stopped feeling important emotions. like hurt, depression..other shit. i don't know what happened. blerg.

the thing is, I've been in a deep stupor after i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and 8 months. yeah, we cheated on each other..one time i had him and 2 other guys. but whatever, he said it was okay cause he was doing the same.

we had a dysfunctional relationship, but we were happy with each other. the thing that ruined it was when he tried to hook up with my friends. yes, friendS. see the s? yeah, it happened.

the thing is, one of my friends actually told me that if i wanted to get back with him, i should and the friend that he tried to hook up with should just understand. but i couldnt. i just, i tried talking to him, i tried crying, but my eyes just wont produce tears anymore. i dont get it. i really wanted to cry, i just couldnt. it was so hard to keep a smiling face infront of my friends, but its a good thing i had a play to deal with, so i just pretended that me pretending to be happy is a major part of the play. and it worked. very well. nobody knew i was suffering like fuck, and that was awesome. i hate it when people dote on me.

so as i have said, after the screaming incident, i couldnt feel anything anymore. sometimes i cant even feel hunger anymore(NOT ANOREXIC). i dont miss my ex anymore, i dont care if my best friend and my ex are fucking their brains out, i just really dont care anymore.

so you might say, if you really dont care, why are you blogging about not caring if you really dont?

the thing is, i want to care, i really want to. but even now while im typing this, im imagining my ex calling me up and apologizing about everything and i just dont feel anything in my chest. no swooning feeling, no heavy feeling, no i want to cry in the shower feeling.

i want to be normal again.

should i just keep chasing pavements?

get lost.

hey people of the blogosphere! it has been a long time my dear friend/s. im so sorry i was not able to post something much sooner, going online has been very hard for me these past few weeks. so whatever. i have tons of kwento! starting with:

my bestfriend's EX-GIRLFRIEND(OO EX KA NA LANG TANGINA MO) has been telling my bestfriend to stop communicating with me. and whenever i comment or post something on my bestfriend's site, she'll comment next to mine, saying "GET LOST". ay puta. bitch what the fuck is your problem? are you insecure or something? kase ako, i dont give a damn about your existence. i really dont like you for him, pero he's happy kaya shut up lang ako. eh ikaw? puta ka pala eh. eversince nuon pa, bestfriend ko na yun. ikaw ang pumasok sa picture okay? we've been bestfriends for 5 years bitch. you've only known him for 1. who are you to tell him to stop communicating with me? fuck you bitch. buti na lang wala na kayo. and im pretty sure pinagpalit mo siya sa ibang lalake. pasalamat ka mahal ka pa rin ng bestfriend ko, kung hinde sinabunutan na talaga kita.

school has been really really hectic. i mean really really hectic you know? gosh. tons of paperwork. and our classs dont end till the 20th. yeah that's right. APRIL 20. fuck my life.

hmm. i dont know what else to say really. oh yeah. i broke up with my asshle boyfriend na. like a month ago na. why? because my friend felt insulted when he called her in the middle of the night to talk about sexual things. (yes, while we were still together) i guess you could say he doesnt care if i know. haha. but i care so fuck him we're through.

so far, im doing okay:) im happy being with everyone who surrounds me.

LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF.

hello smart people who read my blog:) how ya'll doin today?

so anyway, i was surfing through my friendster,checking out people who I havent seen in a while, then i opened this account named "ai luv my bhabe". gah, made me so curious who the weirdo was. so when i opened it, it was my schoolmate from Imma before, Jamie i think is her name. I hated her so much when i was in high school because she was such a bitch to everyone, and without any actual reasons. she just wanted to be. so i was kinda glad when she graduated, haha. so anyway, when i read her profile. OMYFUCKINGGAWD. i was laughing so hard it was unbelievable,i couldnt even breathe. okay okay, see for yerselves people:

...Sooner or later u realize dat altho evry1 has d ability to hurt you, evry1 also has d ability to luv u, so u juz hve 2b creful abt hu u chus 2b ur fwen, bcoz sum wil luv, and sum wil hurt,. ...i rili h8 bckstabber pipol!. .it irritates mhe!. .Grr!. .if u lyk to say sumtin 2 mhe, say it to mhe face to face not on my back!. .ur a coward if u dnt say it to my face!. .ur onli brave on tex but not personally!. .use ur brains xo u won't be a dumb en s2pid person as u ar ryt now,. .Ur also lout bt i bet u dnt noe dat word,. .shame,. .u wil find it on d dictionary,. .xowee bt dats d oder word 4 s2pid,. .gets now?. .for mhe ur juz a scared lil gurl,. .I pity u,. .bt ur rili not deservin 2b pitied,. .admit 2 urself dat im way mor en much mor beautiful dan u,. .xo stop bein an INSECUR BITCH,. .Bck op bitch,. .en btw, how dos it feel to be rejectd by ur luvd one?. .bt dats not importnt bcoz u deserv it,. .ahaha,. .xo bck op bitch!. .dnt mesz wid my man nymor!. ...Learn frm ur mistkes,. .dnt rpeat ur mistkes,. .bcoz thru dat mistkes u wil learn mny tingz,. .use ur mind wen luvn xo u wil not be s2pid lyk d one i noe b4 bt not nymor,. ."d hart noes wen 2 strt bt onli d mind noes hw 2 stop,. ."..In lyp I hav realyzd dat GRUDGES ar a waste to perfect happinesz..LYP IS TOO SHORT 2b unhapi..xo laf wenver u cn..Apologyz wen u shudnt let go op wat u cnt chnge..Luv deep en 4gve quick..gve evrytin en hav no regrets..Smyl evn wen ur sad..Learn from ur mistkes..Liv lyp to the fullez,. .Lyp goes on xo liv it wel,. .We dnt hav a PERFECT LYP bt we cn fill it wid PERFECT MOMENTS,. .

wrong grammar much? wow, i cant believe she was able to graduate from high school, let alone get into a university.

anyway, have fun people, read her thing and enjoy making fun of her grammar. toodles:)

smiling to myself:)

hello good people of the planet called earth:)

oh, hi camille! i know you read my blog so hey-o! i have like, 3 readers? wohoo:)

so yeah, i was having a dinner with my whole family last week. YEP! WHOLE FAMILY! cant believe it too. so yeah, they were all bohooing on how much they miss each other and blah blah blah. i know it's all fake and plastic, because they always say bad things about each other behind their backs. so, to the story of mine. they were all kissy kissy and huggy huggy and i was all sulking in the corner with no care in what they were doing. then you know what they did? they ATTACKED ME!

they told me i was an emotionless, ungrateful child who needs to learn how to be polite. bato daw ako, bato. pag namatay daw sila wala daw ako pake. eh puta ksalanan ko ba na maging decent human being? i just dont want to be plastic. i dont like them eh, so i dont want to pretend that i do.

epal tlga ng dysfunctional family ko.

the happy man

hello to the 2 people who read my blog:) happy new year ya'll!=)

this has been a weird new year. hmm. what should i say? okay, some updates.

new term- yes! 3rd term already. and thankfully, the subjects and teachers are very manageable.=)
my barkada- we are motherFUCKIng closer than ever. i mean, just 1 text, and they are there for you. unlike before, it took like what, 30 texts and 27 miss calls? and they wont even show up on time, haha. well they still dont, but they do show up.
new friends- new? or shall i say friends that came back from wherever they were hiding from? well. the latter ofcourse. ashong and jeff. wala lang. im just so happy they are back in my life. everything's complete now.=)

hayy, ofcourse, life has to always come with something bitter. stupid stupid me. i'm still not over what happened to paolo the asshole and me. hayy nako. tanga ko. isa akong SEAN. haha.

at laaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssstttttttttttttttt=)

like a star.

okay, this might be my longest post ever. i need time to think, time to understand everything. why problems come in big heaps instead of coming in small bunches. why life isnt just fair for most of us. why things just can't be okay for everyone. why someone has to suffer while everyone is out celebrating and being happy. why why why. is there really a so called balance of nature? do we really need that? cant everyone just get fair treatment? cant everyone be happy at the same time? will happiness upset the balance of nature? EH PUTANGINANG BALANCE OF NATURE PALA YAN EH. SIYA KAYA GAGUHIN KO NOH? TANGNA EH.

first of all, its the last 2 weeks of school. stress. stress. stress. im really used to stress, so its fine, i can handle it. im friends with stress, we know how to manage each other. but then BOOM! thngs get fucked up one fucking day. i wasnt expecting for things to happen the way they did, they just really fell into place like that. if you remember, i had a post last year regarding micko's birthday. the day that i waited for SIR PAOLO, THE ASSHOLE to come to the party but didnt show up? yeah yeah, so that. this year, i ddnt prepare myself for an encounter you know? because hey, he broke his promise last year, why would he stay true to it now? such a fallacy. so that night, i was outside mickos gate, sending ronn off. then, a pajero arrived. i barely noticed it ya know? it aint someone i know. so when i came in, i just stood in mickos' garden. then my fucking ex just went up to me and hugged me like nothing happened, so i shook him off. but before i can shake him off, THE ASSHOLE HIMSELF WENT IN. he was the one in the pajero pala. naks. so i thought i moved on na right? i thought i was okay, that i forgot every fucking thing he ever did to me. then i when i looked at his face. BOOOMMM. EVERY FUCKING THING CAME BACK. EVERY PAIN, JOY, SORROW, DISSAPOINTMENT...BLEW ALL UP IN MY FACE.

i immediately ran inside mickos house and went to my cousin, hugging him and whispering in his ear. "he's here...he came insan, he came" all he can reply was..." dont you dare leave my side". but i coudnt stop myself, i went outside, looked around and then i saw him. wow. WOW.

i was blown away by how he looks. he got fatter and had more pimples but heck, he looked like an angel to me. i wanted to approach him, to ask him how he's doing, if he's fine,...lalalalala. fuck, i went straight up to micko and asked him to give paolo and i time to talk. because i really thought that this might be the day, the day the he will acknowledge my existence. you know? i've been in so many therapy sessions, counseling, psychiatric treatments, all because he didnt talk to me for 4 years. we were friends. happy friends. we talked about the future, our families, and where we want to go to college. at first he said Ateneo, so i was like yeah Ateneo ya know. then before we graduated, he decided to go to La Salle. i ddnt ask him, i just overheard him telling our classmate. so i was like, yeah imma go to La Salle. then puta, he ddnt get in pala! now he's in benilde, which is like right across my school lang. aghh. we were so happy. so so happy. then one day, he just stopped acknowledging my existence. he bullied me for 2 years, ignored me for the other 2. gawd. yeah, i was a nutcase for not getting angry at all. i was like, its okay, he'll come around soon. i mean come one, we're in 1st year college. i bet he'll notice me now right? WRONG!! i smiled at him sa party and he barely gave me a smirk. so i really kept badgering micko to give us sometime to talk. so he said mga after 11. so i was expecting it right? then right about 11 pm, guess who left without warning? yeah. he did. paolo did. he left me there hanging, looking stupid. i was so drunk i just cried in my cousin's shoulders. i went home after that.

the next day, i barely left my bed. barely ate. there was this big hole in my chest, and it was so heavy i couldnt bear to stand up. all i did was cry all day. i couldnt get over it. i just wanted us to be friends again you know? just friends. i just wanted everything to be okay. WAS IT THAT FUCKING HARD HUH? AM I THAT UGLY? DO I STILL NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT? CAUSE I WILL GOD DAMN IT! IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY PERSONALITY? I NEED TO CHANGE, I REALLY DO. ggggggooooooooooooooooooooddddd. fuck you man! FUCK FUCK FUCK.

what did i do?am i still inlove with him? putangnaaaa naman eh. only a masochist like me can love a narcicisst like him.


man. i was crying in the shower, i barely talk to my family anymore. i dont eat much. just this morning i took some of my moms pills. yeah, that desperate to be numb. ahahahahahaha. funny right.

i really think i need another 3 months of counseling.

twilight!

hello everyone! how's it goin? so, anyway. imma tell you about my day. its nov 30 now, but i will tell you about nov 29. it was so awesome, i couldnt have asked for a better day.=)

in the morning, my mom woke me up at 730, because we had to go to this community market in salcedo village in makati. so at about 9, we left home and arrived there by 920. there wasnt much traffic, it was saturday morning. the market was awesome, it was all food and drinks, and i had a blast going around and eating diffrent kinds of food=) after that, we hurried home and by 1 pm, Mara, Ronn and I were on our way to gateway. see, my friends and I planned to watch Twilight together, and only about 6 of us pulled through. Anjo was waiting for us there, so when we arrived, we met with him and went up to buy tickets. OMG. the line was fucking long. so instead of getting to watch the 220 show, we ended up getting the 320 show. but because of the really long line, we had a time to talk and bond. we had such a great time we ddnt even notice that we've been in the line for over 30 minutes. while in the line, Kris called and told me that Andoy and her are gonna come to gateway to meet with us. they're not gonna watch, but they're gonna hang with us before and after we watch. i was so happy because andoy and i havent been in good terms lately, and i wanted to clear the air. so when they arrived, we met up in timezone, and the moment he saw me, he immediately went up to me and said "bescham! namiss kita!" then hugged me. i was like....WOOOHHOOO!!=) we're good friends again!=) so after hanging out and joking around, it was 3 already so we had to go inside the theatre. when the movie started, Mara wasnt net to me so she texted me, saying how cute the guy was, the movie is so nakakakilig and all of that. even Insan Jo kept asking about the characters. Ronn kept remembering his ex girlfriend so i just hugged him and told him that i'm still here to kick that bitch's ass.=) so after the movie, we met up with doy and teta again, and went around to look for a place to eat. afteer circling cubao, we found a KFC that wasnt that crowded. after eating. we talked and talked and talked. we talked more than we ate actually, hehe.=) it was a smiple way to hang out, but we enjoyed it sooo much. after that, everyone kept texting each other to say thank you and that they had a great time. we really did have a great time, and i hope we can do it again next time. sequel to Twilight, perhaps? haha.=)

family and friends are really all you need in life.=)